life is too short and path of love is so long

jindgi sirf dard , majboori or lakshya ka naam hai .................jab se hum jindgi jeen shuru karte hain hame usme chipe dardo ka ehasas hone lagta hai or yahi dard hame apna lakshay tay karne ko majboor kar dete hain .....................hum jab se duniya me aye hain tabhi se hi hame us bayimaan cheejo ke peechi bhagna padta hai jinka ant hamari maut ke saath hona tay hai..................par fir bhi hum sab is bayimaani ko kabool kar ke lag jate hain jindgi ke dardo ka ehsas karne me ......................ab bhai hum sab three idiots to nahi hai jo galtiya kar ke bhi jeet jate hain ........hum wo aam insaan hain jo sahi kaam karke bhi fas jaate hain or haar jate hain............ab aisa hi mere sath hua maine jindgi bhar koi galat kaam nahi kiya aisa bolna padta hai par aisa hai nahi fir bhi main apne aap ko ek accha or samajik insaan manta hoon.....................main ek ladki jo ki mere paas hi rehti thi us se pyar kar bhitha ab us ladki ko to nahi pata tha ki main us se pyar karta hoon ............wo ek din mere samne pad gayi maine uski orr dekha or meri najar uske hotho par hi ruk gayi wo kuch blo rahi thi par mera sara dhayn sirf un hilte hue gulab ki pankhuriyo par tha par achanak se mere dil me dard sa hua are bhai main dil ka mareej nahi abhi to poora jawan ladka hoon .............par dard is liye hua ki wo mohtaram mujhe bhai jaan bol kar hasti rahi or main ye soch kar muskurata raha ki ab to fas gayi .......................................par jab hosh aya to main us bais keemti cheej ka rakhwala ban gaya tha ................ye safar khatm ho gaya , dard or akelepan la main mara fir se waisa ho gaya jaisa main pehle tha matalab akela ................chalo koi baat nahi fir mera dil kisi or ke upar ja gira or wo ladki bhi mere dil me bhare bepanah pyar ke neeche dab kar reh gayi .................aisa karte -karte main 22 saal ki umra se 32 ka budhapa bhi paar kar gaya .................ab to mere mohalle walo ko bhi mujh par daya aane lagi or ab unke gharo me baithi 40 se 50 saal ki aurate mujhe laalchi najro se dekhne lagi ....................maine socha ki kya hua jo koi kamsin ladki mujhe pyar nahi kar sakti ...............are jo maja apni se badi umra ke saath aata hai wo 20-25 ki ladki me kahna ..........are mera matlab pyar karne se hai kuch or mat sochiyega ......................ab main 32 saal ka jawan chora apne mohalle ka pasandida nojawan tha ............ek din main saj dhaj ke apni sabse pasandeeda aunty ke yaha gaya or unse apne dil ki baat keh baitha ...............gor kariyega ki maine aunty se kya kaha'' aunty aap duniya ki sabse acchi aunty ho, aap jaisi is duniya me koi aunty nahi hai , aunty main aapse pyar karta hu or aapko apne baccho ki aunty banana chahta hoon '' or itna keh kar maine aunty ko gale se lagane ke liye haath badhaye to na jane kaha se ek bhari bharkam haath aakar mere pada or main charo khane chitt ho gaya ...........baad me jab pata chala to wo to mera dost tha par usne mujhe isliye mara khuki wo unka beta tha or mujhse bada tha ...............ho gayi n fir se galti or meri nojawangiri ka ant ho gaya ...............ab to mere ghar walo ko bhi mujh par taras aa gaya or unhone sahi waqt dekh kar mere haath peele kar diye ..................chalo kuch to accha hua ............maine bhi khusi me bina dekhe ha kar di .................par mere ghar walo ne bhi ek tajmahal jasi bibi lakar di .......................maine bagwan ko pranam kiya or kaha der se sahi tumne maal mast diya or chal diya honeymoon par .......................ladki sharmeeli thi to jyada baa nahi hui or shimla me hotel me pahuch kar maine saman rakha or bibi se kaha ki main abhi do minute me aya or aa gaya maal road par do kash lagane par ye mere paani jaisa saaf dil ladki dikhte hi fisal gaya or ladki ko mane ched diya ,ladki ne mujhe dekha or bomb ki tarah fat gayi mujh par waha bhaitha police wala mujh par bhookhe sher ki tarah toot pada or le chala thane daar ke paas par raste me hi us police wale ka man badal gaya or bola dekho bhai honeymoon par aye ho to main tumhe chod sakta hoon par tumhe bhi kuch kharcha karna padega par jise cheda tha wo bhi chalu nikli use bhi apna muh khol diya dono ne milkar mujhse 20000 rupaye mange or main marta kya na karta wapar dono ko hotel lekar aa gaya wo dono mera peecha karte hue room tak aa gaye maine jab darwaja khatkhataya to meri nayi naweli dulhan ne darwaja khola kuch sharmati hui usne mujhe delka par meri chehre baj rahe 12 ko dekh kar uske muh se nikla kya hua fir jab uski najar mere peeche khade ladki or poloce wale par gayi to uski najre mujh par gad gayi maone jaldi se paise nikal kar dono ko de diye itni der me meri nayi dulhan ne apne ghar par ,mere ghar par , pandit ko, band wale ko , halwayi ko or un sab ko mere character ke bare me bata diay turant wo sharmati hui dulhanmujhe kaali maa ki tarah dikhne lagi maine kuch nahi kaha or use lekar wapas aa gaya .................ghar pahuchte hi usne aise rona shuru kiya jaise wo suhagraat se pehle widhwa ho gayi ho .....................chalo uske ghar wale bhi gaye ...............ladki se baat ki par wo to ab mere saath rehne ko teyar nahi hui or ho gaya faisla usne mujhse talak le liya ..................meri mehndi utarne se pehle hi mera talak ho gaya .........................haye re meri kismat shadi ke 5 din waad hi main fir waisia ho gaya jaisa ho gaya .....................................ab na to meri taraf koi ladki dekhti hai , na koi aunty , na kisi ki bibi or na hi koi budhiya .........................to akhikar maine sabka bhai naam se darji ki dukan khol li or ab ladkiya,aurte,aunty,budhiya bhaiya bulati hain mere muh par mera hi joota mar kar chali jaati hain...........................to bhai hota hai na pyar ka safar bahut lamba .................................toba hai aise pyar se

dard

kash

KASH,
meri mohabbat


kash aaj meri jindgi mere paa hoti to main ek baar fir se us os ki bundo ki tarah chamakte hue chehre ko choom leta, par shayad mere naseeb me ye nahi hai wo ajj fir mere samne khadi thi or main us se kuch bhi nahi keh paya ..............par uska chehra kisi noor ki tarah chamak raha tha kaale badal jaise ghani julfe mano ki agar enke saaye me ek baar sapno ki duniya me chale gaye to fir kabhi wapas na sakenge uski julfo se aisi khusbu aati hai jis se koi gairkhubsurat cheej bhi khubsoorat lagne lage , jab bhi main uski julfo ko apne haatho me leta tha to mano lagta tha ki meri duniya mere hatho se fislti si ja rahi hai, uski aankho ko baya karne ke liye to khuda ne bhi kai jatan kare usne duniya me khoobsurti jaisi kayamat cheej banayi or baith gaya apne bando ko iske jaal me faste dekhne ke liye meri mohabbat ki aankhe jab bhi band hoti thi to wo kayamat hi kar jati thi uski aankho me laga kajal is baat ka awah hai ki usne na jane kitne dilo ko chalkadmi karne se rok diya hai agar allah taala mujhe ek or jindgi se nawaje to main sirf kazal bankar uski aankho me basna chahta hoon .................uski jawani kisi jalti shama se kam na thi wo jab bhi apne gulabi hotho se bolti thi to sun ne wale ke kaan me shalkkar gholti jati or use sun ne wala uska diwana ho jata tha aisa hi kuch haal mera tha main sirf uske gulab ki pankhudi jaise hoth dekh paata tha kyuki aye kambkhat uske hothe se najar kaha hatti thi jo uski sharab jaisi baat ko sun pate .........uski kaan me padi baaliya jab bhi hilti thi to mano lagta tha ki badal barasne ko tadap rahe hain par upar wale ne apni mutthi me unko kaid kar rakha hai .....................uska jawani kisi quatil se kam nahi thi ki jo jaydad to lutega hi sath sath me quqtal bhi kar jayega ..........main jab bhi uski kamar ke charo taraf anpi ungliya firata tha to mano ye lagat tha ki jais maine kisi meethe pani ki nadi me aoni ungli dalkar uska rukh badal diya ho

meri aakhi kitaab

MERI AKHRI KAHANI
kahani kuch ankahe palo ki
kahani kuch badsoorat lamho ki
kahani mere balatkaar ki
kahani meri maut ki
kahani meri ANTIM SANSKAR KI

Jindgi ke 25 saal gujar jane ke baad meri jindgi ab bhi mujhse naraj hai or meri saanse khamosh hone ko bekarar hain lekin fir bhi main aapko wo batana chahta hoon jo main apne aap ko bhi batane se darta hoon,


kya jingi baemaan ho sakti hai ?
kya kabhi khwaishe badhawas ho sakti hain ?
kya meri jindgi jeene ki hawas shant ho sakti hai ?
kya or sirf kya ,yahi hai sirf or sirf kya..................


Haatho me dard ki kaali syah lekar jab bhi maine kuch likhna chaha to main ye soch kar nahi likh paya ki main kya likh sakta hoon paar jab bhi maine apne dil ke kisi kone me jhaank kar dekha to mujhe laga ki shayad kuch to aisa hoga jo main likh sakta hoon............bahut der tak apni jindgi ke panne paltne ke baad maine dekha ki meri jindgi me dard, aansu, jakhm or beintaha kali raato ke siwa kuch bhi nahi hai .............aey mere khuda maine apni jindgi ke tamam panno ko in kali syah raato ke sive or kuch kyu nahi de diya par main ye bebas tanha insaan kya karata meri jindgi ne hi mujhe kuch karne ka mauka nahi diya.
Aaj main jab bhi apni dardnaak jindgi ke un pannao ko palat kar dekhta hoon to mujhe unme chipi apni haar or bebasi ke siwa kuch nahi dikhta , par fir bhi main kuch likhna chahata hoon .
To main aap sab sabko us waqt ke mod par le jata hoon jab main sirf ek aam insaan tha or main sirf yahi sochta tha ki main duniya ko jeet sakta hoon par kaise ye aapko tab pata chalega jab aap mujhe ye batane ke liye majboor karenge .....kyuki main un dino ko yaad karke fir se us dard ko nahi mehsoos karna chahat hoon .

Painted Emotions

Sun was up and everybody was tired after the day’s break but my mind was hazed with expressions of art. I stood up and I picked up a paper and a pencil and gave my thoughts an image that I wanted to transform and sketch but it was blur and not colorful and I was thinking that maybe this is a face of a man from my past, one I know who has cemented his soul in my mind.
I don’t know if he was my dad who reminded me of his books and experiences and maybe it is the fear that he has engraved in my mind.
On other thoughts, maybe it’s my mom who reminds me every moment of eating at time and reminds me of clocks, food cause it’s the connection of womb, soul and another life but same.
Maybe this face is of my sisters who depend on arguments with me all the time and this face arrived cause of a fight with them in the past.
Maybe it’s the face of my friend who is stamped in my heart because of affection and a bond that only god can exceed.
Maybe this face is of my teacher; my guru who is still shivering my bones cause of incomplete homework and the fear has entitled me of being stable.
Maybe it’s the face of some girl for whom my love has no boundaries. Maybe it’s the face of my enemy who reminds me of the hurt I passed on. But in all of this, there is something that moulds my thoughts, my art, my vision and above all, my mind. But time wasn’t on my side so I could give this image a body and a sound. This face wants to remind me of something that those people I left behind in my past are reminding me of, that I’m theirs and in them there is someone that reminds me that those who I couldn’t remember gave my thoughts and visions a feeling of their own and connected me with them.
I understood that this visionary imagination was not merely art and a conceivable face but were real people and real feelings that can only be felt by living with people carrying hope, happiness and love.
This face is in my mind and will always remain there as it is, cause this face was a path to past and a memory that has been carved in my mind cause of my heart and it’s vision has grown compassion in me for poetry.
Maybe art is something that will stay a mere dilemma in this life cause contentment that I have shared and I shall share with people will never die until I’m gone.

My Soul Bleeds

Someone whom you think your soul mate, walks into your life,

Friendship grows and trust develops, through all toil and strife,

Ever closer, growing fonder, on them you depend,

Then suddenly and without warning, trust is brought to end.

You find they've lied, you find they've broken all the trust you had,

So what to do when you still love them and things turn so bad?

Cry a tear, no, I cried thousands, tried to understand,

Couldn't think that this was real, it was so underhand.

In a daze, I sat an pondered all that had been said,

Surely this could not have happened, it was in my head.

Friends all told me I should leave him, that he'd always hurt,

But I couldn't walk away. He'd have to dish the dirt.

Weeks rolled by, my head was reeling from the stories told,

Placing pieces in the jigsaw, quickly growing old,

Thinking of the times he'd said he couldn't love again,

For if once more he was let down, he would feel the pain.

So, my heart says if this reason really is the rhyme,

Why do I feel that I'm outside looking in each time?

Why do all his friends know secrets that aren't told to me,

Is it that he's hiding something, not for me to see?

Why is it he thinks I should stay out here in the cold,

Why is it he had to do this... why was I not told?

Communication now is broken, not even a word

Except to scold me and to run before he can be heard.

Why with others does he taunt me, is this just a test,

Hoping that I can stop loving he whom I love best?

I guess again I have to sit and wonder why he erred,

To wonder whether others let him down and made him scared

Or was it always his fault that women walked away?

Was it him who let his loves down , he would never say.

I vowed my life to this one man and ever that will stand,

He's never told me it was over, pretended he was grand,

Faultless man, he said he needed time to have a think,

I gave him space, I gave him time and never did he blink,

He just went out and punished me with his thoughtless deeds

Two years of hurting passed now, and here my soul, it bleeds.

My God, why did you take my mother?
Angles took the wrong one - not her - another.
Regret is a feeling that I feel everyday;
You took her from me, and I didn't say -

"I Love You, Mom," in my own way;
Only to hear her say it back to me.
God, why couldn't you just let us be?
She didn't deserve to die;
Didn't deserve to be in pain,
Only to leave me here asking you why -
Night after night when I cry in vain.

Help me! God, please help! These memories torment and haunt me; Such pain and horror surrounding, Lurking in every side of my heart. I can't seem to cast aside these thoughts away and it's ripping everything in me apart. It hurts so fucking much! Why can't I just break free? It's like a poison coursing inside me, A venom running through my veins, Burning and wreaking havoc within And leaving nothing but blackened pain. Just lift these binding chains upon my hands So that I might be able to touch once again; Piece back the shattered parts on the ground Of whatever heart inside me that remains. This damned prison that forever traps me, This forsaken darkness so I cannot see, These breathless lungs drowning in the black sea That lay before my spirit as I fall from your grace Are all from this oblivion that has befallen my soul. God, lift me up from this darkness! It's killing me, Torturing everything inside me! Stop this bleeding heart, Heal these wounds within. Damn, this hurts so much! I can't take it anymore! I'm trying so fucking hard To make and change things; To turn these ashes into the flames they once were, To remedy whatever it is that I've done wrong. But I can't seem to make you smile any longer And I'm the monster in the mirror. FUCK! It hurts so much! Take it away, I can't do this anymore!

My soul is rent with turmoil, of which I can only whisper

No matter how I try to think of you, my one, my love

My body screams at me, a silent scream in the dark of my dank and gloomy thoughts

The screams permeate through all other thoughts and feelings that attempt to overthrow them

Until all that is left in the gaping vastness of my consciousness is a steady stream of anguished cries

The screams are coming from deep within the recesses of my being

Release, the screams cry, it is release I want and release I must have

If only I were allowed to come forth and escape from this dungeon

I could expel from you all the pain and torment that holds you hostage from all other experience

I have sought to overcome this soul-scarring turmoil with perseverance and strength of will

But my adversary has proven to be too strong for me, a mortal

The God of creation has failed to equip me with the ability to vanquish this intangible foe

Abandoned by my creator, I begin to succumb to the pain that threatens the very fiber of my being

I feel my strength and my very will being tested as never before

Slowly I feel the resistance lessen, as a gate attacked with a battering ram

My supporting fibers are splintered and but one or two more blows will leave me broken

I finally look up and curse the God who left me defenseless against this wretchedness

I have lost the battle against the feces pushing against my sphincter so I must go sit on the toilet in defeat

I am shamed, but in my shame I have also found a calming sense of Release, nursing my soul back from the dead

Damn, that was deep. I was wrong about poetry. I guess writing something in a poem does make you more of an intellectual. I stand corrected.

You have met me before
Once upon our dreams
Everything was perfect
But nothing is what it seems

I pass you in the halls
And yet you never seem to care
I see you everyday
And you don't return my stare

Eyes are the window of the soul
Why is it that you can never see me?
My eyes are locked on you, my heart is yours
Because you hold the key

My empty heart yearns
For what I have never had
Two strong arms protecting me
Because I am so very sad

I wish I could talk to you
But when I begin to speak
I never have the courage
Because my heart is very weak

My tears will never cease
Because I know that you will never care
Who I am or what I do
This kind of love is rare

This is a one way street
A street which I can never cross
I can see you on the other side
But my heart is at a loss

You are like a drug
I have an addiction
I say to myself that I will quit you
But that is a contradiction

My dreams are as clear
As a blue summer sky
You and I are hand in hand
I cannot let this fantasy pass me by

All I want is to talk to you
For you to return my smile
It will make such a difference
It will be worth your while

We may come from different places But in my heart I know we are the same There are so many obstacles -- You don't even know my name.

life is not a game ,it is all about war........i am a good warrior

I look off in the distance
at the skies of pink and blue
as the sun sets in the sky
I am waiting for you
... See More
The day has past, and night has come
The sky is bright with stars
But I won’t move and I won’t sleep
I am waiting for you

The sun is rising to start the day
The grass still wet with dew
It’s been so long and still your gone
But I still wait for you

The days go by but I won’t cry
For I know you’ll be here soon
I won’t lose faith
I will not stray
I’ll stay and wait for you

But the days grow long and lonely
And you have yet to come
My hope is growing thinner
As the days drag on and on

5,6,7 days 8, 9 and more
And finally I see your face
As you open your car door

Your slow steps moving towards me
I know you are in pain
As you set a bouquet of flowers
Gently by my grave

Your eyes are sad and empty
Is there nothing I can do?
I reach out to touch your cheek
But my hand just goes right through

You stay a while in silence and grief
Then, hesitantly, you leave
I watch you go
And hope you know…
I am waiting for you.